924Board.org

[Ozzie]

Gotta luv the Irish:

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the
pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us
put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the
pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and
went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy
asked Seamus, "Any idea where we are?"

"Bejasus, I tink were pretty close to where we crashed last year."
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

[Ozzie]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but
I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover
should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

[Ozzie]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but
I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover
should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

[Ozzie]

A Bear Story...

A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would each go into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it.

A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' woods to find me a bear. Oond when Eyfund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught to do with me and begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! Preaching to the bear was easy, but he got a bit touchy about the circumcision."
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

[Ozzie]

THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the

summer away.



Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has

no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.





THE MODERN AUSTRALIAN VERSION



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the

summer away.





Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.





The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why

the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less

fortunate like him are cold and starving.



The ABC and Channel 9 show up to provide live coverage of the shivering

grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home

with a table filled with food.



Australians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor

grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.



The Democrats, the Greens and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in

front of the ant's house.



The ABC, interrupting an Aboriginal cultural festival special from North

Queensland with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall

Overcome."



Bob Brown rants in an interview with Ray Martin that the ant has gotten

rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike

on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."



In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity

and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning of

the summer.



It is quickly passed through the Senate.



The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire

grass hoppers as helpers.



Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed

retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.



The ant moves to Asia, and starts a successful agribiz company.



The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last

of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the

government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old

house crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it. Inadequate

government funding is blamed, Kim Beasley now is appointed to head a

commission of inquiry that will cost $10,000,000.



The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sydney Morning

Herald blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root

causes of despair arising from social inequity.



The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders,

praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural

diversity, who promptly terrorize the community.
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

[Ozzie]

A Man's Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter ? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day?.... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

[Ozzie]

TAXMAN

A man has spent many days crossing the Sahara without water. His trusty
horse and camel have both long since died of thirst. Drier than a Californian raisin, he is on all fours crawling through the sands certain that he has breathed his last.

All of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand 6 feet ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie. He is a dull looking character, wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a naff grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," drones the monotone genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for that old chestnut," replies the weary man. "I'm not
going to trust a tax inspector!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're gonna die anyway!"

Sighing, the man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
dull genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".

********* P O O F **********

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and
he is surrounded with carafes of vino superior and platters of Marks &
Spencer delicacies.

"OK sir, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

********** P O O F **********

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests, filled with rare
gold coins, precious gems and a cheque which would keep the Beckhams for life.

"Very well sir, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

********** P O O F **********

He is turned into a tampón.

And the moral of the story?

If the Inland Revenue offers you ANYTHING, there must be a string
attached.
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

[Vince Ponz]

Same story different ending.

The third wish was to have his penis long enough to touch the floor. Zap he only had a couple of inches of legs.
_________________
"Never let them see you sweat"
77.5 924 modified track car
79 931 Euro stock
88 924S SE
87 911 Targa stock

[tj924]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for Bear Removers. He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.".

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
_________________
TJ
Silver '82 924 NA 5-Speed Manual

[J1NX3D]

http://mpgt.iquebec.com/acura-integra-typer-vs-toyota-celica-gt-four/hahahaha.html
_________________
'86 944

[Ozzie]

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

[Ozzie]

I'm going away for a few days so I'll leave this post up to you guys to keep it going.
_________________
Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance

[Neil924]

[Neil924]

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.







When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[Neil924]

Three Labrador retrievers - one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything, the sofa the curtains, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, the pillows, the table, post-boxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."