924Board.org

[jpab924]

I`m always looking for a good joke to tell when I`m sitting around with neighbors or friends knocking down a few. If you have any good ones post em here!

Heres one I tell....

An elderly guy goes with his wife for his yearly checkup and the doctor says "we are going to need a urine and a stool sample." the old guy say "eh?" The doctor says again a little louder "we are going to need a urine and a stool sample." again the old guy says "eh?" His wife then leans over and says "the doctor says they need your underwear!"

[Neil924]

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs
and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who
stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and
joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom
of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon
he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the
General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He
became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line
Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride
and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling
agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a
pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he
now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is
also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the
best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own
construction company and became very successful and a
multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and
expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq
ft mansion specially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the
successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom
returned and asked:

What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?

One of the three said:
We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.

And then he asked, What about your son?

The forth man replied:
My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said:
What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.

The forth man replied:
No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy.

And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed
and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.



A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him
the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees
a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and
world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in.
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says.
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t."

[-nick]

heh heh, I just got a good one in my email the other day-

The Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

[Neil924]

A city boy, named Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to the boy's house and said, "I'm sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that. I spent it already." Kenny said, "Ok, then, just unload the donkey here in my yard." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit 998.00." The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the Chairman of Enron.

[5150]

Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, "No, Johnny, you can't eat that now it has germs."

Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, "Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear about and I haven't seen one of 'em yet!"

------------
A horse and a chicken were one day playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a bog and is sinking fast.He calls to the chicken to run to the farmer to get help and to pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer cant be found anywhere.so he drives the farmers Mercedes back to the meadow, ties a rope round the bumper and throws the other end of the rope to his friend the horse. He then drives the Mercedes forward pulling his friend the horse from the bog.
A few days later, the horse and the chicken were again playing in the same meadow,when the chicken fell into the bog and started sinking.The chicken shouted to the horse to go get some help from the farmer. The horse said"I think I can stand over the hole" so he stretched over the width of the hole and said "Grab my willy and pull yourself up".This the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.



The moral of the story:-


If you are hung like a horse.You dont need a Mercedes to pull chicks.....

------------
A twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a £1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and £1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."
_________________
Mars Red '78 Euro 924 n/a
http://www.cardomain.com/id/5150_uk

Graphite? Grey Metallic '85 (late model) 944 2.5

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

[81turbo]

I am affraid that Neil Cannot Add.

[Neil924]

I am affraid that 81Turbo can not add.
Let's do this the easy way. 500 tickets at $2 each = 1,000
Minus the $100 for the donkey and minus the $2 from the winner, the boy gave back. That equals $898.00 O my Gawd was that easy!

[dwak]

Screw the details, keep the jokes coming 'cause I'm enjoing it!!!
Thanks guys,
dwako
_________________
2x924NA's for parts
931
924S

[Neil924]

This is hard to handle for some:

So, a woman's in the hospital after a really tough pregnancy. She wakes up and sees her belly is a lot flatter. Now, since she'd been knocked out during the delivery, she starts hitting the buzzer.

Nurse comes in, "Yeah?"

Mom says, "I'd like to see my baby!"

Nurse says, "Look, lady, I'm going on break in 5 min-"

Mom goes over Nurse's head, "Okay - you wanna play tough? I want the doctor in here. Now!"

Nurse says, "Fine." Leans out door, "Doc! C'mere!"

You can hear the Doc coming down the hallway, "Aw, Jeez, what the hell, huh?" So, as he leans into the room while fanning some ciggie smoke, he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want?"

Mom says, "I want to see my baby."

Nurse says, "Can you believe this chit? Christ!"

Doc says, "Take a break already, will ya? You're starting to get on MY nerves! Oh, and uh, bring me a wheelchair, just in case."

Nurse goes out, seconds later, you hear wheelchair SLAM against door.

Doc says, "Wouldn't hurt HER to get knocked up, if ya know what I mean," as he elbows Mom's ribs. *sigh* "Look, lady. You're gonna need a lottttttta rest, okay? So, let's just unplug this buzzer and..."

Mom's furious now, "I want to see my..."

Doc interrupts, "Yeah, yeah, yeah," and starts mimicking Mom "I want to see my baby. Bla-bla-bla." Then, as he flicks some cigarette ashes onto uneaten jello, he says, "Look, your kid's got a lotta problems."

Mom - "Problems? Like what?"

Doc gets up, gets wheelchair, says, "Come on, get in the chair. We're goin' for a riiiiide."

So, while they're heading down the corridor, Doc says, "Now, first off, I gotta tell ya... your kid ain't got no arms."

Mom's howling, "What? Oh God, what could be worse?"

Doc flicks smoldering cigarette butt ahead of wheelchair, runs over it, "Well, he ain't got no legs either."

Mom's hysterical now. "Oh, God, what could be worse?"

*BAM* as wheelchair knocks open doors to a room where a gigantic 8-pound eyeball sits in an incubator.

Doc lights up another ciggie and says, "Welp, there it is."

Mom's screaming, "Oh, God! What could be worse?"

Doc blows a smoke ring and says, "It's blind."

[Neil924]

A guy is sitting at the bar drinking his face off. After about the 10th beer he needs to go to the washroom.

Bartender!! He slur's...We "hic" iss the bathroom? "hic" "Down the hall to the right"...yells the bar Tender.

The drunk manages to get to his feet and waddel and sway down the hall. He opens the door and walks in. sits down and does his thing. Meanwhile the bar tender is cleaning the glasses behined the bar..suddenly he hears a horrific scream come out of the hallway door. Dropping the glass he runs to the bathroom to see whats going on...Nobody is there. Then he hears another scream this time worse then before!! He runs accross the hall to the door on the left and opens it ...there he finds the drunk. What the hell are you screaming at he asks..."there is somthing wrong with your toilet" says the drunk.."there is nothing wrong with my toilet" replies the bartender. "Yes there is yells" the drunk. "Everytime I go to flush the toilet somthing comes up and grabs my balls and squeezes really tight!! crys the drunk. YOU IDIOT yells the baretender. You're not sitting on a toilet...you're sitting on my mop bucket!!!

[Neil924]

Two muffins are in an oven and one muffin says to another "man its hot in here" the other says "HOLY SH!T A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[Neil924]

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

[procon]

The Cop

Two men are driving through Rockhampton when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.
"You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".
The copper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean-- and gives the guy his license back. The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.
"Just making your wish come true," replies the copper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.
"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that a**hole would've tried that s**t with me!"

[Neil924]

[Neil924]

New York Italian Math

A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny DiGiusto from New York.

I'm not going to hire any wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit ....."

"Fair enough," says the Boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."

Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."

The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree, dat's 99".

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."

Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert." The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"

New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a crap on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd which makes one hundred. .....

Bada boom, bada bing. ........ When do I freakin' start?"







*No Boston construction bosses were injured during the making of this joke