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Laugh of the Day
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Ozzie  



Joined: 12 Mar 2005
Posts: 4447
Location: Townsville, Qld. Australia

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 2:53 pm    Post subject: Laugh of the Day Reply with quote

I believe we all need to get our minds off cars occasionally and have a laugh.

I'll start:

A Dog's 10 Pet Peeves About Humans
1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny....not very funny at all.
2. Yelling at me for barking....I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is it anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose....stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not at home.
6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud and great moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
7. Taking me to the vet for the 'Big Snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
8. Getting upset when I sniff your guests crotches. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Idiot!
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
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Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
Engineer of Electro/Mechanical Systems Maintenance
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Lizard  



Joined: 03 Nov 2002
Posts: 9364
Location: Abbotsford BC. Canada

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 3:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

haha
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Joes924Racer  



Joined: 03 Nov 2002
Posts: 11964
Location: Oregon, Denver Colorado native!

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 3:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


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1979 porsche 924 Na
1980 porsche Turbo 931GT Replica
Have u ever driven a turbo.
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Ozzie  



Joined: 12 Mar 2005
Posts: 4447
Location: Townsville, Qld. Australia

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 3:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a zillion of them, Feel free to add your own.

A bottle-blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as
a 'handywoman' & started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house & asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch", he said. "How much will you charge me"?

The bottle-blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50"?

The man agreed & told her that the paint & other materials she might need
were in the garage.

His wife overheard the conversation & asked, "Does she realize that porch
goes all the way around the house"?

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. If she is that dumb
to not know it, then she deserves to be ripped-off".

A short time later, the bottle-blonde came to the door to collect her
money.

"You're finished already"? the husband asked.

"Yes", the bottle-blonde replied, "& I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats".

Impressed, the man handed her the $50.00.

"And by the way", the bottle-blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus".
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Porsche 924 1984 (UK import) NA
Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
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Khal  



Joined: 26 Sep 2003
Posts: 4864
Location: Sunny and lovely interior BC, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The previous jokes thread.
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Ozzie  



Joined: 12 Mar 2005
Posts: 4447
Location: Townsville, Qld. Australia

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That must have been way back in the forum as no one has posted to it since last Nov.
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Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
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Khal  



Joined: 26 Sep 2003
Posts: 4864
Location: Sunny and lovely interior BC, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 4:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, but there's some rippers in there!
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Ozzie  



Joined: 12 Mar 2005
Posts: 4447
Location: Townsville, Qld. Australia

PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 4:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm surprised someone didn't keep it going. I'll take a squiz through it.
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Its AUTO and its BLACK
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Ozzie  



Joined: 12 Mar 2005
Posts: 4447
Location: Townsville, Qld. Australia

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 6:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Boudreaux, who lived deep in the Atchafalaya swamp of Louisiana, was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.
Boudreaux: "Fadda, I tink you oughta know I kinda took a leetle lumba from dat new construction site a couple-a weeks ago."
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my poach, she's had dis big hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break dey laig, so I fix de hole."
Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."
Boudreaux: "Well, Fadda, I had a leetle lumba lef."
Priest: "What did you do with it?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my po dawg, Phideaux, he ain't neva had no place to get outta de weatha, so I make him his own leetle dawghouse."
Priest: "OK, anything else?"
Boudreaux: "Well, I had a leetle lumba lef. So you know, my pick 'em up truck, she ain't neva had no place to get outta de weatha eitha, so I make her a two car garage."
Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."
Boudreaux: "Well, Fadda, I still had a leetle lumba lef."
Priest: "Yes?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigga house. So I add two bedroom and a new bat'room."
Priest: "OK, Boudreaux. That's definitely too much. For your
penance, you are going to have to make a novena. You do know how to make a novena, don't you?"
Boudreaux: "No, Fadda, I don, but if you got de plans, I got delumba."
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Its AUTO and its BLACK
Montego Black on black/red
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Roger  



Joined: 06 Jan 2003
Posts: 1235
Location: Cordova, TN

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man asks God for a whish.

Since he has been a good man God agrees to grant the man one whish.

The mans asks for a bridge to Hawaii so he can drive there anytime he wants.

God tells the man " I am God and I could build a bridge to Hawaii, but it would take an enourmous amount of steel and concreet to reach the bottom of the Pacific. Your whish is very selfish, and I and dissappointed in you. I want you to go home think about it and tomorrow let me know what you what you wnat to wish for.

The man goes home and 24 hours later he returns. He tells God I thought about it and I want to change my whish. I want to understand women. I want to understand their moods, how they think, and why they treat us the way the do.

God then asks the man

Would you like two or four lanes on that bridge my son.
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Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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ideola  



Joined: 01 Oct 2004
Posts: 15506
Location: Woodstock IL

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Woman! The most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man!"
--George Clooney's character, the silver-tongued Ulysses Everett Magill in "O Brother Where Art Thou"
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Neil924  



Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 4225
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you have ever lived or spent time in the Pacific Northwest this may strike close to home. Pretty funny and some are even true.

The Pacific Northwest According to Jeff Foxworthy~ ~ ~ ~~
YOU MIGHT BE FROM THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST IF:
1. You know the state flower (Mildew)
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is
not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and
Tully's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima,
Willamette and Spokane.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark - while
only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and
"Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks."
18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
19. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
20. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through
the cloud cover.
21. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can
actually see it.
22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still
wear your hiking boots and parka.
23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
26. You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake.
27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
28.. You measure distance in hours.
29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
30. You use a down comforter in the summer.
31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining
(Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).
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Neil924  



Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 4225
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss here. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
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Neil924  



Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 4225
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00,
and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blondes attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he send emails to all his friends and co workers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
*
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What?you thought blondes were dumb?
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bryanc  



Joined: 27 Feb 2003
Posts: 233
Location: San Antonio, Texas

PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 1:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

From the late Mitch Hedberg:
I think if a fish wanted to be a fishstick he would have to have good posture.
I know I look a little tired. I haven't slept for 10 days. That would be too long.
A wino saw me eating grapes, he said "you have to wait".
I have a kwala bear infestation in my apartment. It is the cutest infestation ever. When I come home and turn the light on they scatter.
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